Lady In Waiting:Chapter 1~Lady of Reckless Abandonment

Aight. So I started a new book (which I actually started a long time ago and never picked back up because I either got busy or something....anyway...) it is entitled, as the title above says "Lady In Waiting." The front cover, as shown to the left, sports the subtitle of "Becoming God's best while waiting for Mr. Right." Yet, what I like about it thus far is how it stresses that its not just about singles. It is about simply becoming the best God would have us to be...no matter what our marital status. And quite frankly, that's exactly what I am needing. As my previous post mentioned, I am living with great regret with some things I did in the past. And I know that I should focus on the present and the future and allow the past to be passed yet I cant help but look back. I am, however, striving to become something more, not only for myself but for God. When I was saved at 16, I had become what the first chapter of the book talks about, a Lady of Reckless Abandonment. I had given up the familiar and asked God to make me into a girl after His own heart. And He did. I was completely changed. I was on fire for God and I grew spiritually at an unbelievable rate. Then came the fall. Things started going crazy in life when I hit college and the moment my life crashed in around me, I let go of it all...including God. I still went to church, and eventually I began to get back to serving God. I served 2 summers in North Carolina at a camp as a counselor and had seemingly gotten it all back together. But life in NC, surrounded by 50 people on fire for God made living that life much easier than coming home and having things become hard again. I got into things that quite frankly, I had no business being in and yet everyone, even those closest to me, had no clue as to the life I lived. Ya see, I had figured out that if I continued to go to church, then in the eyes of those people with the greatest influence on my life, would still see me as being "OK." We tend to do that a lot. We become Christians with "token commitments" who in the eyes of the church, have it totally together. We are in church therefore we have no struggles, right? WRONG. I say this from experience. You can be at church every time its open, and even sometimes when its not, and still be living a life of hell. Yet, like the book says, we are called, as Ruth was, to reckless abandonment. Ruth gave up everything to do what she thought would honor her late husband. She followed her mother-in-law to a new country, a new people, a new religion and a new life. She took a total leap of faith and just trusted that it would all be alright. We are called to commit everything to God and abandon all that we are familiar with and follow in His footsteps. And to some that may seem easy but to be it is the hardest thing in the world to do. I mean, if sin didn't look so "good" then no one would do it. Yet when Ruth committed her life to that leap of faith, she unknowingly dove into a future that would be rewarded with the blessing of a new home, a godly husband, and a place in the very bloodline of Christ. So my hearts prayer is to become, once again, that Lady of Reckless Abandonment. And as I know that some people will know some of the things I have been into...I want to take the chance to apologize for my stumbling and possibly causing you to stumble as well. With deepest regrets I nearly fell. Love and prayers.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the dimensions.

Warning: This is about to get deep...oddly deep.

Within my life, I have come to the realization that day to day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon...everything is different in life. I look back on events and experiences that I have gotten myself into and regret the very being of the way I reacted to certain things. A great friend once passed on to me the quote "Never regret the things that made you smile" yet as I contemplate on passed events, I can't help but regret some of those very moments. In Mary McCarthy's My Confession, she states: "Is it really so difficult to tell a good action from a bad one? I think one usually knows right away or a moment afterward, in a horrid flash of regret." And I have come to the realization that most, if not ALL, of my regrets are like that. The moment I make a wrong move, I know it. And yet I struggle to stop myself from causing further pain and damage. Does this make me weak? Or simply human?! I don't know. I do, however, know that I am going to start trying to make things right in my life, or at least change things to be what I see as "right" in my own eyes. The small stupid things I do to seemingly make things better or make myself feel better about how bad life may be going will be stopped because I know that in a moment's, or a day's, or even a year's time, I will regret doing that certain something. I sometimes am forced to wonder if we have a choice in it at all? It becomes confusing when people talk about destiny and about how they believe that we are all destined to become a certain type of person... It's romantic to think that there's a Superpower that governs my life, and that I'll eventually end up becoming the same type of person no matter what I do and what decisions I make, no matter how ridiculously "off" they may seem. But would that not defeat the purpose of living if all our decisions were in vain and ultimately had no effect on the rest of our lives?! And what about things that happen in which you have no choice at all? Like natural disasters... As I type this, we are still experiencing the rain and wind off of Hurricane Gustav. We had no choice as to its coming. We couldn't call it up and say "Yo, Gus...could you come destroy our cities, towns, and villages later?! I mean, we really aren't feelin' it today." Is there an answer to all these questions? I mean, we do make decisions and stick to our choices without thinking about all this stuff, and of course it's all a lot easier to live that way. But what if you do one day realize, that beyond all doubt, there is this "destiny" or "fate" which governs your entire life... Will that stop you from making certain decisions? Will you live on danger's edge because regardless if you mess up or not, you will still become who "fate" destined you to be?! On the other hand, we have another extreme... you are a normal person thinking about normal things, making decisions and choices based on your rationale and current situation, and after living that perfect, normal life, you actually end up becoming less than nothing. Will that give you as much satisfaction, of being safe and secure, as opposed to what you would have become if you were an irrational impulsive freak obsessively following your own passions and disregarding the world around you? And what if you don't end up safe and secure after all, even though you've made the correct (according to you) decisions all your life? My mind begins to try to wrap itself around all this and yet I still ask myself "what if?" So I guess the best thing I can do is forgive and try to forget the wrongs others have done to me. And ask God for forgiveness for the wrongs I have committed against Him. And even as hard as it is, I ask for the forgiveness of those I have personally wronged, and whether it was intentional or not, admit that I am truly sorry. From this moment on I am gonna live my life so that I will hopefully have no regrets or at least fewer than what I would have had! lol. I'm gonna do all I can to eliminate the things in my life that will damage any relationship I have with others and do things that truly make me happy and will honor God. So now, I'm just gonna step out of my deep ramblings and give you the chance to ask yourself "What the heck is she talking about?!" ha ha. Because I know that's what you are probably thinking. Anyway, I'll just leave ya with the thought "If you ever are able to accept life, you must also be able to accept regrets."